Sinning against sinners

So many sins I have committed. So many acts of dirt and crime. May I be punished for all my crimes. May I pay all my debts while on this planet. For I want not to carry forth the burden of these crimes and sins to my next level, I wish to pay off all my debts before I die. But in the process, may no one else be hurt. No one more. May the consequences of my actions never fruit. May they be mistakes which went astray, just as I have.

Is it my fault? Yes. Did I know what I was doing? Everytime. Would I do it again? God, please don’t let me.

I don’t want to. I have stolen, I have lied and I have cheated. I have done all it takes to be a horrid being. But let no one know. Let it be my secret. Let no one pay. Let it go unfelt.

I pray every morning. I pray to you for Good Thoughts, Good Words, and Good Deeds. I pray for Love Happiness and Prosperity. I pray for the sounds of happy children, of friends and family. Today, I pray to you not for love, for I am not worthy of it, not for happiness, because it is an illusion, not for good thoughts, good words or good deeds because I have already committed the crimes against those, but I pray only for prosperity.

For neither have I seen it nor know if I am worthy of it, but it will hide the rest. It will fool everyone into thinking that I possess the others. I wish to be prosperous so that no one will ever know what I have done to get it. Who I am.

Leave me, astray.

Waiting

It's a game. I pretend. Pretend like he's gone on a long vacation to New Zealand or somewhere beautiful and far away. Someplace at sea, where there is no phone or internet connection or post office.

I pretend like he's put me in charge until he returns. Like he's handed me his keys, his passwords, his bank accounts, his home, his bed, his office, his joy, his pain, his sorrows, his worries, his court cases, his companies, his responsibilities.

I pretend like he were smiling at me when he gave them.

I pretend like he wants to see me take care of his materials, while he lives like a king, doing exactly what he's always loved and wanted to do. Be at sea.

I pretend like I'm his manager. His manager, his lawyer, his accountant. I love him.

I pretend like he's coming back, and when he does, I want him to be proud of me. I wish I could make him feel proud of me. I can't make it without him.

I wait. I sit at that same spot that I used to as a child. On a chair at the long end of the dining table, and I wait.

Watching the front door, looking through the big window beside it, waiting for the sound of his car, honking for the gate to be opened, the sound of him banging his feet outside the front door to remove the excess muck stuck to his shoes.

Daddy come home.